Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
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Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back