When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
You Might Also Like
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me