ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
You Might Also Like
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?