You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
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Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.