Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
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9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Cat is stressing him out.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”