First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
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“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*