the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 馃槀
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]掳sips drink掳 that’s ridiculous 掳water shoots out of holes掳
No more questions
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn鈥檛 working.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that鈥檚 where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy鈥檚 no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy鈥檚 a humourless snitch
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I鈥檓 gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won鈥檛 eat them
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn鈥檛 home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…