I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
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6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it