I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
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Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?