Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
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ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.