Comic π₯Ίπππβ€οΈβπ₯
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If Iβm ever snowed-in somewhere hope itβs a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Always the camel, never the toe.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I donβt wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
*returns shopping cart*
βWhen Iβm in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?β
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Do you want contact-free delivery?
β‘ Yes
β£ No
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.