My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I only treason on days ending in y
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there