DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Breaking news:
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Me recordaron éste meme
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.