Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
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If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
This hospital has everything
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
The old gods are rising again.