This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
You Might Also Like
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
sleeping beauty
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Sponch
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.