Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
You Might Also Like
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF