How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔