Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
mom gave me mine for free
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.