If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital