Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.