The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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Raisins are grape jerky.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
got so much cardio in today
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.