Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
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Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off