What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.