I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I get distracted pretty eas
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything