Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
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Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually