I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
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I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?