Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
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My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?