*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
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Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.