People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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Match dot com, but for socks.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”