Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
You Might Also Like
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
This is sending me to another galaxy
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.