Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
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-let me see your phone real quick
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[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
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Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
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Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
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my brain: WaFfle House
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Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
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Yes, because I own a washing machine.
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clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
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Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”