God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
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what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
My purse is deeper than some people.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I would move hell over six inches for you
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.