[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
😅🤣😂
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote