has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit