Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
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I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.