Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
What
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .