Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Sorry not sorry.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you