Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
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Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
<—- homeless romantic
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!