When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
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The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*