My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
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Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar