You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward