I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.