Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood