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HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Admin smashed it 😂
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Two types of dogs.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.