Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
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What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
accurate
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.