getting old is fun
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it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Pigeon open mic night.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
sigh
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan