Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
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[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Scream sneezers need love too.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop: