Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
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Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
concern
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Kevin Hart đ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isnât as fun as it used to be.
đđđ„č
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many âcheat daysâ I am allowed each month.
I hate to say Iâm better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.