I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no