Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
You Might Also Like
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.